I was recently invited to a baby shower and it seems to have brought every baby-thought back to my brain. Sometimes, it feels like EVERYONE is pregnant, well, everyone but me. I try not to be bitter or jealous. I mean, it’s not their fault I miscarried.

I keep wondering what my life would be like right now had I not miscarried. I’d be nearing my last month of pregnancy at this point. My life would be so drastically different right now. It wouldn’t be like working at a new job or even living somewhere new. It would be so dramatically different. Life sucks.

It’s weird because I never wanted to be pregnant. Never ever. The mere thought of being a parent terrified me to the core. I just assumed I would be a parent vicariously through Kristina. I’d be the cool Auntie Ange, always able to buy the really awesome Christmas and birthday presents because I didn’t have children of my own. Even when I first found out I was, in fact, pregnant, I couldn’t comprehend what was going on. It’s all so weird because something I had previously never wanted is something that I now want more than anything.

I try to take the entire thing as a sign that now was not the time and I dutifully take my Pill every night and I will keep taking my Pill until the time is right.

Ultimately, I didn’t go to the baby shower. I just don’t think I’m ready to celebrate someone else’s pregnancy when I am still mourning my own.