I, like millions of others, love the Simpsons, and more specifically, Homer Simpson. So here, I list some of my favorite quotes from the main man himself….

Total # of Quotes: 140

• Lisa, if we start conserving, the Environmentalists win!
• “Being eaten by a crocidile is like going to sleep… in a giant blender.”
• “Snakes. Nature’s quitters.
• ”Whenever there are too many species that humans get confused and angry, a poacher is born.”
• “Turkeys. The only animal smarter than man.”
• “Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that. “
• “I’m never going to be disabled. I’m sick of being so healthy.”
• But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder. “
• “Look Marge, I’m sorry I haven’t been a better husband. I’m sorry about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub. I’m sorry I used your wedding dress to wax the car. And I’m sorry — oh well, let’s just say I’m sorry for the whole marriage up to this point.”
• Marge: Homer, you’re going to be famous!
  Homer: Yeah, but I’m not gonna let it change our lives. I’ll be the same loving father I’ve always been.
  Marge: Hmm, have you seen Bart?
  Homer: Ehh, I stuck him somewhere.
• “Kids, you tried your best and failed miserably. I think the lesson here is never try.”
• Trying is the first step towards failure.”
• “Woo-hoo! I’m a college man! I won’t need my high school diploma any more! [sets fire to it and starts singing] I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T…
• Homer: [yelling at a student] Neeeerd!
  Marge: Homer, that isn’t very nice.
  Homer: Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.
• “I’ve come to hate my own creation. Now I know how God feels.”
• “If God didn’t want us to eat in church He would have made gluttony a sin.
• “I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?”
• “Kids, let me tell you about another so-called “wicked” guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas. He didn’t always do what other people thought was right. And that man’s name was… I forget. But the point is… I forget that, too. Marge, you know what I’m talking about. He used to drive that blue car?”
• “Emancipated?! Don’t you like being a dude?!”
• “Canada?! Why should we leave America to visit America Junior?!”
• “Marge, kids… Let’s go buy some happiness.”
• “C’mon Marge. We’re a team! Its uterus, not uter-you.”
• “Homer no function beer well without.”
• “Son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddys and kids with fake ids.
• “I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!”
• “Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.”
• “To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”
• “Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!”
• “Oh! I can’t take his money, I can’t print my own money, I have to work for money. Why don’t I just lie down and die?
• “My job is my identity! If I’m not a safety whachamajammer, I’m nothing!
• “Miss work? But my life would be nothing without the Nucleon Plant.”
• “Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day, and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”
• I’m gonna be off work all week…..I TOLD you, my baby beat me up…….no, that’s not the worst excuse I’ve ever thought of!”
• “I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around…”
• “Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?”
• “If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.”
• “Marge, I’m not like other men. That’s why you buy my pants at that special store.”
• “Marge, I like your paintings. They always look like the things they look like.”
• “Shut up brain or I’ll stab you with a Q-Tip!”
• “It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”
• “Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?!”
• “I promised I wouldn’t eat?! Never!”
• “Unguarded breakfast. The sweetest taboo.”
• “Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.”
• Homer: “Waitamin Waitamin Wait a minute… Lisa honey, are you saying you are never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?”
  Lisa: “No.”
  Homer: “Ham?”
  Lisa: “No.”
  Homer: “Pork Chops?”
  Lisa: “Dad, those all come from the same animal!”
  Homer: “Yeah right Lisa, a wonderful ‘magical’ animal. Hehe.”
• “If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?”
• “I’m a rage-aholic! I just can’t live without rage-ahol.”
• “In a Civil War reenactment, we need lots of Indians to shoot.
• “Marge, why are you crying? You’re not in any physical pain, the only kind of pain a man can understand.
• “Bill Clinton. He’s Jimmy Carter with a FOX attitude.”
• “Marge, can you set the oven to COLD?”
• “Everytime Santa and I get together, it’s a disaster.”
• “I felt like a big man pushing that kid around.”
• “Finally a way to combine my love for helping people with my love for hurting people!”
• Marge: “This is the worst thing you’ve ever done!”
  Homer: ”You say that so much, it’s lost all meaning.”
• “When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!”
• Homer: ”Hello, I’d like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Ura.”
  Moe: ”Ura Snotball?”
  Homer: ”What! How dare you! If I find out who this is, I’ll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!”
• “Yeah, good things don’t end with -eum, they end with -mania, or -teria.”
• “You gave both dogs away ?! You know how I feel about giving!”
• “It was the best Thanksgiving ever. I mean, emotionally, it was terrible, but the turkey was so moist!”
• “Tip One: Live each day like it was your last. :sobs: I don’t want to die. I’m so young! :cries: Tip Two…”
• “Thank you outdoor advertising. You saved my marriage! And not for the first time.”
• “But it’s St. Valentines Day! God wants us to do it.”
• “Oh my God, space aliens! Don’t eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them!”
• ”Maybe for once, someone will call me ’sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene.”
• ”Bart, with 10,000 dollars, we’d be millionaires!”
• ”Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.”
• ”Stealing?! How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives sermons at church? Captain What’s-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you?”
• ”Shame on all of you! Give me my dignity! I just came here to see Honk if You’re Horny in peace!”
• ”Oh, they have the internet on computers now?!”
• ”Pffdt. English. Who needs that? I’m never going to England.”
• ”Operator, Give me the number for 911!”
• ”The three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, ‘cover for me’. Number two, ‘oh good idea boss’, Number three, ‘it was like that when I got here’.”
• ”Oh Lisa, this isn’t real. It’s just how you’d look if you were a cartoon character! ”
• ”If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers. ”
• ”I never apologize. I’m sorry Lisa but that’s just the way I am. ”
• ”No offense Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you musta been taking a whizz.”
• ”Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.”
• ”Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how drunk you get.”
• ”Marge, look at me! We’ve been separated for a day, and I’m as dirty as a Frenchman. In another few hours I’ll be dead.”
• ”Everything’s cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the back yard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. So excuse me if I’m cruel.”
• ”I’m gonna die! Jesus, Allah, Buddha - I love you all!”
• ”Are you sure this is the Sci-Fi Convention? It’s full of nerds!”
• “Why won’t those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?”
• ”All right, brain. You don’t like me and I don’t like you, but let’s just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.”
• ”WHO IS FONZY!?! Don’t they teach you anything at school?”
• ”Oh! look at that car burn! Does it get any better than this?”
• ”I can’t believe that someone I’ve never heard of wants to hang out with a guy like me.”
• ”Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. ‘Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population : you.’ ”

– ”Well, crying isn’t gonna bring him back…unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back or you can go out there and find your dog.”

• ”I won’t lie to you, fatherhood isn’t easy like motherhood.”
• ”It is better to watch things then to do them.”
• ”I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what’s all this crap I’ve been hearing about tolerance?”
• Homer’s ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
  
  Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house…
  
  Homer’s ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I’m just trying to get in, I’m not running for Jesus
• ”Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.”
• ”Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.”

– ”Hey! They have chairs with wheels! And here I am, using my legs like a sucker.”

• ”Going cold turkey isn’t as delicious as it sounds.”
• “When you think about it, mud is nothing but wet dirt.”
• “Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians.”
• “Without TV it’s hard to tell when one day ends and another begins.”
• “I’ve gone back in time to where Dinosaurs were not just confined to zoo’s.”
• “You gotta be sober to fly, its not like driving a car.”
• “Having kids is great, you can teach them to hate the things you hate, and they practically raise themselves what with the internet and all.”
• “I felt a surge of power, like God must feel, when he’s holding a gun.”
• “The sun, that’s the hottest place on Earth.”
• “If something is hard to do, its not worth doing.”
• “If your mother wasn’t so fancy, we could shop at the gas station like normal people.”
• “The customer is always right. That’s what everyone likes about us.”
• “I’m a white male aged 18 to 49, everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.”
• “Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I’m sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero…I want to live, Marge! Won’t you let me live? Won’t you please?!”
• Lisa: I’ve got a weekend job helping the poor and I’m only eight.
  Homer: That’s not a job, it’s a waste of time. What can poor people pay you? Nothing! What satisfaction you get from helping them? None! Who wants to help poor people anyway? Nobody!
• “When will you Australians learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment, and things have never been better! The streets are safe. Old people strut confidently through the darkest alleys. And the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer-programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free, because, as the old saying goes, ‘Let your children run wild and free.’ “
• “Marge, don’t discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals!… except the weasels.”
• Marge: “You shouldn’t pressure Bart like that.”
  Homer: “If you know of a better way for me to live through my son, then tell me”
• “It’s the code of the schoolyard Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Lets see. Don’t tattle, always make fun of those different from you, oh and never say anything unless you’re sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.
• “I want answers now, or I want them eventually!”
• “Remember last month when I paid back that loan? Well now I need a favor from you.”
• “What’s a wedding? Webster’s dictionary describes it as the act of removing weeds from one’s garden.”
• Homer:”To find Flanders, I have to think like Flanders.”
  Homer’s Brain: ”I’m a four eyed lame-o who wears the same sweater every day.”
  Homer: ”To the Springfield River!”
• “To start, press any key. Where’s the any key?”
• “I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.”
• “It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.”
• “Ohh, my son doesn’t stand a chance! The whole world’s gone gay!”
• “Marge, I’m going to Moe’s. Send the kids to the neighbors, I’m coming back loaded!”
• “Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.”
• “She’s always so moral, why can’t she be more like…..well, not Bart, but there’s got to be a happy medium.”
• “Ever notice how white people have names like Lenny, but black people have names like Carl?”
• “I’m tired of being a wanna-be leauge bowler, I wanna be a league bowler!”
• “You suck-diddly-uck, Flanders!”
• “I don’t get it, I finally did a job where I wasn’t stupid, lazy or corrupt, and now I’m gonna get killed for it!”
• (after forgetting to pick up bart) ”I know you’re mad at me right now and I’m kinda mad too. I mean we could sit here and try and figure out who forgot to pick up who ’til the cows come home, but let’s just say we’re both wrong and that’ll be that.”
• “Oh, Marge, whenever I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out. Remember that time I went to those duff brewery classes and I forgot how to drive?”
• Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
  Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
• “Okay Marge, its your child against my child. The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.”
• Look, all I’m saying is, if these big stars didn’t want people going through their garbage and saying they’re gay, then they shouldn’t have tried to express themselves creatively.”
• “Bad bees. Get away from my sugar! Ow! OW! Oh, they’re defending themselves somehow.
• “Hey, we didn’t have a message on our answering machine when we left. How very odd.”
• Homer: They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce and Lance and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they’re just…
  John: Queer?
  Homer: Yeah, and that’s another thing! I resent you people using that word. That’s our word for making fun of you! We need it!
• “I feel that if a gun is good enough to protect something as important as a bar, then its good enough to protect my family.”
• Lisa: Dad, don’t you think you’re overreacting?
  Homer: Don’t you think you’re *under*reacting?
  Lisa: This conversation is over.
  Homer: This conversation is *under*.
  Lisa: Goodbye.
  Homer: *bad*bye
• “Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.”