It’s Saturday night, you are over 21, you and your friends are hanging out, and you can’t decide what on Earth to do. How about hitting up a local nightclub? NO fucking way! I hate night clubs with every fiber of my being. Why you ask? I’ll tell you why. There are few reasons why I hate nightclubs. Let’s begin…

Reason #1: The people. I hate the people in nightclubs. The majority of the girls spend 4 fucking hours getting ready only to walk into a packed club and have their makeup melt off and their hair frizz into a crazy ball within 10 minutes. Then there are your nightclub guys. Man, the only thing I hate more than nightclub girls are the nightclub guys. Most of these guys walk through the club as if they could take any girl in there home for the night (and there are some girls that would go!). I would rather fuck my hand for the rest of my life than a guy I meet in a nightclub. Now on to the old pervert factor. Most of the nightclubs I have been to in my life have had at least one group of the 40 year-old, polyester shirt wearing, hairy chests hanging out the front, pervert that feels the need to try and pick up every 21 year-old female that he sees. *shivers*

Then these night clubs pack so many fucking people in, it is near impossible to move, let alone dance. What the fuck is the point of going to a dance club if you can’t move over to the dance floor. Then once you get there, it is even worse. Ever try dancing and have some moron flailing his/her arms around like a maniac and hitting you every single time? Well I have, and I fucking hate it!

Reason #2: The Staff. Ever go into a nightclub and order a drink and get nothing but juice? Well you can attribute that to the bimbos (female AND male) they hire for bartenders. Half of these people can barely spell their own names, let alone make a mixed drink. Then we have the ‘’security” staff. Where do they find these big fat losers to ”protect” the nightclubs? These guys run around with major power-trips, I don’t really blame them, they always seem to have the female club regulars hanging all over them. But one message guys, just because they give you a bright yellow jacket that says ”STAFF” on the back, that doesn’t mean your dick grew 5 inches, deflate your heads and get a life!

Reason #3: The Cost. $5 to park, $20 cover charge only to walk into the club and have to pay $7+ for a drink! It is utter bullshit! Then as I mentioned before, you get a mixed drink that is filled to the top with ice, and containing a droplet of alcohol. Rule of thumb…order a beer in a bottle, at least you know what you’ll be getting. ***FYI: You know those JELLO shots that the girls walk around with? DO NOT ORDER ONE! They DO NOT CONTAIN ANY ALCOHOL! They basically just spritz them with vodka so they smell like booze. Pathetic huh?

So to sum it all up, and free you to make up your own mind, I can’t stand nightclubs and I don’t plan on attending any in the near future.

February 25, 2002